| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|03:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
I am so stupid. Why do I miss exes that treated me like shit? Why do I feel like they were abusive towards me because I deserve it somehow. Maybe Charlie was right... maybe I can't be in a normal relationship because I'm so used to being with someone who treats me like crap. Charlie is seeing someone new. I heard through the grapevine, and even though he was so horrible to me at the end of our relationship, I do miss him for some stupid reason....
He wasnt always angry and abusive like he was at the end, he used to be quite the opposite. What have I done? I had everything I wanted, and now I am back at home living with my dad in a house full of people who secretly hate me. I feel like my exes are always happier after they leave me. Am I really that horrible of a person? Do I really bring people down so much?
When I'm stuck in this kind of rut, I am much more triggered to abuse drugs and alcohol as I did in the past. Sometimes I miss that too... yes I'll admit it, I miss the drugs. I miss being so fucked up that I have no worries at all. I miss being emaciated and sickly looking. I miss having people envy my tiny frame.
I miss it all. I want it all back again. I want to do it over and not mess up in the ways I did. I feel like its my fault for losing him. I pushed him away, I probably deserve the wounds he inflicted. |
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| day in, day out |
[Aug. 30th, 2009|04:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
I guess all I can really day is that I've been in a funk latley.
I'm depressed that I don't have a job and can't do the amazing things I used to or go shopping whenever I wanted to.
I'm depressed because I don't like the way I look. I'm short, my legs are stubby and fat. I've never had acne in all my past 20/1 years of life, then just recently I turn twenty-one and I start breaking out. Not just around my period but like ALL the time. It's annoying, frustrating, and it's bringing my self-esteem down.
I want to be thin and perfect again.
*sigh |
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| friends. |
[Aug. 18th, 2009|04:38 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | lani | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
Me and my lovley friend Lani.
I am lucky to have a good friend like her in times of such distress.
she loves bloody marys, just like me.
we can be silly together.
good friends are hard to come by.
I hope Lani knows how much I cherish our friendship. |
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